its been so hectic i've never really gotten around to writing but i really need to get this out. lately, i dont know why but everyone's just been so depressed its hard to stay positive you know. and just now, my mom declared (rather loudly i might add) that im such a disappointment. why cant i just grow up. how i was so much better when i was a kid. yeah i wonder, its not that ive made a conscious effort to be bad ( i dont think anyone would tbh) but why. i wish i could be six again. or seven. or eight. eight was pretty awesome. hah i feel like such an old bitter cynic. and while im writing all these, there's this little voice inside of me telling me its okay, you'll get through it, you're not that weak. c'mon dont you have more guts than this? it just sucks you know sometimes, always getting beaten down. 'you're not good at this, you suck, why cant you be more like so and so.' gawd i sound like some kid with self esteem issues. except i cant help but wonder, is that what i really am? i dont really know who i am anymore. i feel so fake. everything feels fake. people smile, people hate, people lie, people ignore. and then my mom told me to grow up. that's the problem. i dont really want to lose the kid in me. i like the kid in me. and i promised myself i'll never ever lose that. but now i really wonder, should i cling on to that. sure i can be jaded and all but what's the fun in that. maybe that's my problem; i cant let go, everything needs to be fun. sigh. see how lah. as of now, life sucks.